DEEP THOUGHTS, by Jack Handy

(“Deep Thoughts” were originally aired on NBC’s “Saturday Night Live”)

#1
Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes.  Then when you do criticize them, you will be a mile away and will have their shoes.
#2
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let ’em go, because, man, they’re gone.
#3
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?  We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
#4
To me, it’s a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, “Hey, can you give me a hand?” you can say, “Sorry, got these sacks.”
#5
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
#6
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children’s children, because I don’t think children should be having sex.
#7
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is “Probably because of something you did.”
#8
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that’s what REALLY throws you into a panic.
#9
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, “What if I was an ant and she fell on me?” Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny.
#10
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
#11
I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don’t just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
#12
Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself.  MANKIND.  Basically, it’s made up of two separate words “mank” and “ind.”  What do these words mean?  It’s a mystery and so is mankind.
#13
If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it’s probably best to avoid eye contact.
#14
It’s easy to sit there and say you’d like to have more money.  And I guess that’s what I like about it. It’s easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
#15
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you’re drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
#16
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
#17
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate.  And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.
#18
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you’re having a good idea but it’s just eggs hatching.
#19
Whenever you read a good book, it’s like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don’t like to read good books.
#20
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window?  The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait.  I guess that’s like a regular window.
#21
During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were “just going down to the corner.”
#22
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police.  But then I got curious about it.  I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
#23
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don’t know what your rights are, or who the person is you’re talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.
#24
If you’re a cowboy and you’re dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
#25
Broken promises don’t upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
#26
Consider the daffodil. And while you’re doing that, I’ll be over here, looking through your stuff.
#27
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here’s a tip:  why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
#28
I’d like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he’s flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground.  Now that’s a documentary.
#30
If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing, I’d glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised.  “Wait a minute!  I thought we won!”
#31
Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For instance, let’s say you have chosen the nickname “Fly Head.” Normally you would think that “Fly Head” would mean a person who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn’t it also mean “having a head like a fly”?  I’m afraid some people might actually think that.
#32
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”


WEIRD DEATHS

Sometimes, it seems as though people are just plain doomed.  Consider these weird deaths (and other goings-on):

A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise’s car into a river near Naples, Italy, in 1983.  He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore - where a tree blew over and killed him.

Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge - killing him.

Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.

George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for files.  The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him.

Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand threatening to kill himself in 1981.  His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor.  It went off and killed his wife.

In 1983, a Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid out in her coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she suddenly sat up.  Her daughter dropped dead of fright.

A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but lay back down
in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death.

Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down and found himself in the city prison.

In 1976 a twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing the
busy Falls Road in Belfast, when he was struck by a taxi and flung over its roof.  The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay stunned in the road, another car ran into him, rolling him into the gutter. It too drove on. As a knot of gawkers gathered to examine the magnetic Irishman, a delivery van plowed through the crowd, leaving in its wake three injured bystanders and an even more battered Bob Finnegan. When a fourth vehicle came along, the crowd wisely scattered and only one person was hit; Bob Finnegan.  In the space of two minutes Finnegan suffered a fractured skull, broken pelvis, broken leg, and other assorted injuries. Hospital officials said he would recover.

While motor-cycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo Falatti came up to a railway line just as the crossing gates were coming down.  While he sat idling, he was joined by a farmer with a goat, which the farmer tethered to the crossing gate.  A few moments later a horse and cart drew up behind Falatti, followed in short order by a man in a CoolPix car.  When the train roared through the crossing, the horse startled and bit Falatti on the arm.  Not a man to be trifled with, Falatti responded by punching the horse in the head. In consequence the horse’s owner jumped down from his cart and began scuffling with the motorcyclist. The horse, which was not up to this sort of excitement, backed away briskly, smashing the cart into the CoolPix car. At this, the CoolPix-car driver leaped out of his car and joined the fray.  The farmer came forward to try to pacify the three flailing men. As he did so, the crossing gates rose and his goat was strangled.  At last report, the insurance companies were still trying to sort out the claims.

Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in heavy
fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car at a snail’s pace near the center of the road.  At the moment of impact their heads were both out of the windows when they smacked together.  Both men were hospitalized with
severe head injuries.  Their cars weren’t scratched.

In a classic case of one thing leading to another, seven men aged eighteen to twenty-nine received jail sentences of three to four years in Kingston-on-Thames, England, in 1979, after a fight that started when one of the men threw a French fry at another while they stood waiting for a train.

Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife’s incessant nagging by
giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife came home and saw him she
fainted. Hearing a disturbance, a neighbor came over and, finding what she
thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place.  As she
was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen
kicked her stoutly in the backside.  This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled.


BOOZE TRIVIA FROM "THE HANGOVER HANDBOOK"

- Back in the Wild West, a popular hangover cure called for "plenty of droppings from a jackrabbit" mixed into a strong, hot tea.
- In Haiti, locals cure [hangovers] voodoo-style, by sticking 13 black-headed pins into the cork of the bottle that caused the problem.
- George IV, England's fattest king, ate breakfasts consisting of three beefsteaks and two pigeons washed down with a bottle of wine, half a bottle of champagne, two glasses of port and several glasses of brandy.
- One of Napoleon's top soldiers, Gen. Bisson, drank eight bottles of wine a day - with breakfast.
- Was Noah the first farmer to get plowed? As we read in Genesis, "Noah was the first tiller of the soil.  He planted a vineyard, and he drank of the wine and became drunk."
- Talk about miracles! Back in the 1500s, St. Brigid of Ireland changed her bath water into beer for thirsty guests at her Kildare abbey. The drinkers reported that the beer had a "saintlike" taste.
- In 1632, the weekly children's food ration in a British hospital included two gallons of beer.
- After dying in the battle of Trafalgar, Admiral Lord Nelson was shipped back to England in a cask of brandy- to keep his body fresh for his funeral. After his pickled corpse was removed, the brandy was served to his sailors so they could drink a toast to their fallen commander.
- The thirstiest beer-drinkers in the world live in the Northern Territory of Australia, where each man, woman and child chugs an average of 61 gallons per year.
- When Philip the Handsome of Spain drank himself to death 500 years ago, his wife, Joanna, took to drink herself- and for three years, she kept Philip's corpse in bed with her, drinking toasts to his health each morning and night. The smell of the corpse finally forced the servants to remove it one day after Joanna had passed out.


TEN EXERCISE TIPS FOR THE NEW YEAR

1) My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.  She's 97 now and we don't know where the hell she is.
2) The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
3) I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.  Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
4) I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
5) I don't exercise at all.  If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
6) I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
7) I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
8) The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
9) If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
10) I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.


WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
L.A. Police Department: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.
Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.
Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road?
   Did he cross it with a toad?
   Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
   But why he crossed, I've not been told!
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of hostility and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Ronald Reagan: What chicken?
Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
Bill Gates: I have just released Chicken Coop 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook -- and Explorer is an inextricable part of the operating system.
Albert Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
Bill Clinton: I did NOT cross the road with that chicken; however, I did ask Vernon Jordan to find the chicken a job in New York.
Colonel Sanders: I missed one?


THE WIT AND WISDOM OF STEPHEN WRIGHT

1. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.  The mime next door went nuts.
2. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
3. Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn’t live there.
4. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
5. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
6. I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I’d be gone. I said, “The whole time.”
7. So what’s the speed of dark?
8. How come you don’t ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been diss-ing them anyhow?
9. After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
10.  Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
11.  If you’re sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
12.  I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
13.  Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
14.  Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
15.  Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
16.  If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?
17.  Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
18.  Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
19.  How come abbreviated is such a long word?
20.  If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
21.  Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
22.  Why are they called buildings, when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
23.  Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?
24.  Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have?
25.  If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
26.  If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
27.  What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
28.  If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
29.  Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
30.  When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?  It sounds like a near hit to me!
31.  Do fish get cramps after eating?
32.  Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
33.  Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
34.  Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
35.  If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
36.  When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
37.  Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not a door?
38.  Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you.  Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
39.  How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
40.  If “con” is the opposite of “pro,” then what is the opposite of progress?
41.  Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
42.  Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
43.  Why do we wait until a pig is dead to “cure” it?
44.  Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
45.  Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
46.  Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
47.  Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?
48.  What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
49.  Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
50.  If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
51.  Should you trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent?
52.  Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
53.  Do married people live longer than single people, or does it just SEEM longer?
54.  I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?”  She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
55.  If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
56.  Isn’t the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
57.  War doesn’t determine who’s right, just who’s left.

MORE STEPHEN WRIGHT WIT AND WISDOM

58.  All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
59.  I almost had a psychic  girlfriend but she left me before we met.
60.  OK, so what’s the speed of  dark?
61.  Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
62.  When  everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
63.  Hard work pays  off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
64.  Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
65.  Shin: a device for finding furniture  in the dark.
66.  Many people quit looking for work when they find a  job.
67.  I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
68.  Eagles may soar,  but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
69.  24 hours in a day ... 24  beers in a case ... coincidence?
70.  When I’m not in my right mind, my left  mind gets pretty crowded.
71.  What happens if you get scared half to death  twice?
72.  I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling  out.
73.  I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.


HERE’S YOUR SIGN!

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't have to rely on them, would you?  You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me.. Oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved.  Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway.  My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?"  "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?"  "Nope - Talked 'em into giving up.  Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "All right, Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good. They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign.  I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations.  The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?"  I couldn't resist.  Said, "Nope.  I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!"  See?  If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure.  Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge.  The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried.  I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report.  He went through his basic questioning.. ok.. no problem.  I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign.. until he asked "So..is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said, "No, I'm delivering' a bridge. Here's your sign."


FASCINATING LIFE STATISTICS

At age 4, success is... not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is...having friends.
At age 16, success is...having a driver’s license.
At age 20, success is...having sex.
At age 35, success is...having money.
At age 50, success is...having money.
At age 60, success is...having sex.
At age 70, success is...having a driver’s license.
At age 75, success is...having friends.
At age 80, success is...not peeing in your pants.

It’s called a bell curve.


LIKE CHILI CON CARNE, THIS WILL WARM YOU RIGHT UP…

(Note: I haven’t attempted to substantiate this, but I don’t find it extremely hard to believe…)

STOP AND THINK ABOUT THIS
Can you imagine working at the following company?

It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:
-29 have been accused of spousal abuse
-7 have been arrested for fraud
-19 have been accused of writing bad checks
-117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
-3 have been arrested for assault
-71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
-14 have been arrested on drug-relatedcharges
-8 have been arrested for shoplifting
-21 are current defendants in lawsuits
-In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving

Can you guess which organization this is?  Give up?

It’s the 535 members of your United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.


THINGS THE MOVIES HAVE TAUGHT ME…

1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people-whether they are employed or not.
 
2) At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
 
3) Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut.  You will always choose the right one.
 
4) Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
 
5) It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
 
6) When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
 
7) If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
 
8) Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

9) Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
 
10) All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman, but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
 
11) All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

12) It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
 
13) Once applied, lipstick will never rub off-even while scuba diving.
 
14) You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
 
15) Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.
 
16) The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
 
17) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
 
18) If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

19) If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
 
20) Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say:  "Enter Password Now."
 
21) Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
 
22) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
 
23) A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
 
24) If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone you meet will know all the steps.
 
25) Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
 
26) When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.


ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES

Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world-famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.

My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished.

A is for academics,
B is for beer.
One of those reasons is why we’re not here.
So leave a message.

Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.

Hi. Now you say something.

Hi, I’m not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

Hello. I am David’s answering machine. What are you?

(From my Japanese friend in Toronto)
He-lo! This is Sa-to.
If you leave>message, I call you soon. If you leave a sexy message, I call sooner!

Hi! John’s answering machine is broken.  This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, this is Sally’s microwave.  Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I’m stuck with taking her calls.  Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages.  My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean.  They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken.  If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.”

This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device.  After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think about returning your call.

Hi.  I am probably home; I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.

Hi, this is George.  I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back. If you are a burglar, then we’re probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren’t home and it’s safe to leave us a message.

You’re growing tired.  Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now.  You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions.  When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System.  Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use.  Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of your voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes.  There is no charge for this initial consultation. However, our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment.  Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

Please leave a message.  However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

Hello, you’ve reached Jim and Sonya. We can’t pick up the phone right now, because we’re doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we’re done brushing our teeth we’ll get back to you.


LAME RIDDLES

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
“Dam”

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work?
A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.

What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.

What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.

What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an “A” bra.

What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office?
They’re hiring.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.


REAL (DUMB) CLASSIFIED ADS

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer

AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART DOG

2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15

TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800

COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000

STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15

FREE PUPPIES:
½ COCKER SPANIEL -
½ SNEAKY NEIGHBOR’S DOG

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.

SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE 89 cents

GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs.. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.

FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.

FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50

NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED CALL CHUBBY

BILL’S SEPTIC CLEANING “WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS”

SHAKESPEARE’S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
LOOKS LIKE A RAT...
BEEN OUT AWHILE..
BETTER BE REWARD.

HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER “IF IT’S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!”

GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 ½ BOTTLES OF BEER.

HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB

GEORGIA PEACHES • CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents LB.

NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE SLIGHTLY STAINED

FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.

AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100

TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?  WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.

NOTICE: TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE: PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED.  PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE.  ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD.

EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS -$175.
 

Home | Chili | News & Views | Family | Hulme | Bikeboy | Motorcycle | SpudLinks | Spud Lore | Feedback

This site was last updated 01/21/05