CHILI CON CARNE FOR THE VENUS / MARS SOUL
(It’s a Guy
/ Gal Thing…)
Q: What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.
Q: What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks,
interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a
woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your
instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will
find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her.”
The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The
agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with
tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent said, “You
don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to
kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, followed by
screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her
brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to
beat him to death with the chair.”
HIS AND HERS
ATM INSTRUCTIONS
HIS:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
5. Drive away
HERS:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Back up and pull forward to get closer
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written on it.
9. Enter PIN
10. Study instructions.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. Stop
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Drive 3 miles
41. Release parking brake
HOW TO BE A
GOOD WIFE
(Reprinted from a 1950s-vintage high school Home Economics textbook. Women seem
to just love this practical advice! Ah, for the good old days…)
Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal
on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about
him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home
and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.
Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so that you'll be refreshed when he
arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair, and be fresh looking.
He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little
more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house
just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc.
Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a
haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.
Prepare the children. Take a few extra minutes to wash the children's hands and
faces (if they are small). Comb their hair, and, if necessary, change their
clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the
part.
Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the
washer, dryer, dishwasher or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be
quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.
Some don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's
late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone
through that day. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable
chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for
him. Fluff his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft,
soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his
arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or
to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain
and pressure, his need to be home and relax.
The goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband
can renew himself in body and spirit.
MEN’S SECRET
LANGUAGE
1.
“I’M GOING FISHING” Translated: I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid,
and sit in a boat with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete
safety.”
2. “IT’S A GUY THING” Translated: “There is no rational thought pattern
connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”
3. “CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?” Translated: “Why isn’t it already on the table?”
4. “UH HUH, SURE HONEY,” or, “YES, DEAR” Translated: Absolutely nothing. It’s a
conditioned response.
5. “IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN” Translated: “I haven’t the foggiest.”
6. “I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT’S JUST ... I HAVE LOTS OF THINGS ON MY MIND”
Translated: “Is that woman over there wearing a bra?”
7. “TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU’RE WORKING TOO HARD” Translated: “I can’t hear the
game over the vacuum cleaner.”
8. “THAT’S INTERESTING, DEAR.” Translated: “Are you still talking?”
9. “YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS” Translated: “I remember the theme song to
“F-Troop,” the address of the first girl I ever kissed, the license plate
numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, I just forgot your birthday.”
10. “I DUNNO ... I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND I GOT YOU THESE ROSES...”
Translated: “The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”
11. “OH, DON’T FUSS. I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT’S NO BIG DEAL” Translated: “I have
actually severed a limb, but I will bleed to death before I admit that I am
hurt.”
12. “I’VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I’M DOING” Translated: “... and I sure hope
I think of some soon.”
13. “I CAN’T FIND IT” Translated: “It didn’t fall into my out stretched hands,
so I’m completely clueless.”
14. “WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?” Translated: “What did you catch me at?”
15. “I HEARD YOU” Translated: “I have no idea what you just said, and am hoping
desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t find out.”
16. “YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE.” Translated: “I am used to the
way you yell at me and I realize it could be worse.”
17. “YOU LOOK TERRIFIC” Translated: “Oh God, please don’t try on MORE clothes.”
18. “I’M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE” Translated: “No one will ever
see us alive again.”
IMPORTANT
INFORMATION ABOUT PREGNANCY
Q:
Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.
Q: Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown.
Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A: Yes, your bladder.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A: Ask the kid.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: ‘Cause you’re fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline
irrational.
A: So what’s your question?
Q: What’s the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing, if the pregnant woman’s husband knows what’s good for him.
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but
pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in
labor?
A: Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q: Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A: In your breasts.
Q: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A: Yes, baby lips.
Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q: What are the terrible twos?
A: Your breasts, after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal
again?
A: When the kids are in college.