CHILI CON CARNE FOR THE RELIGIOUS SOUL

MIRACLE ELEVATOR

     An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked, “What is this, Father?” The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life; I do not know what it is.”
     While the boy and his father were watching, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers flash sequentially. After a few seconds, the walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.  The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, “Go get thy mother.”


FORGIVE ME FATHER FOR I HAVE SINNED

     Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.  I have been with a loose woman.”
     The Priest says, “Is that you, Tommy?
     ”Yes, Father, it’s me.”
     ”Who was the woman you were with?”
     ”I cannot tell you, Father, because I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”
     ”Was it Brenda O’Malley?”
     ”No, Father.”
     ”Was it Fiona MacDonald?”
     ”No.”
     ”Was it Ann Brown?”
     ”No.”
     ”Was it Mary Elizabeth O’Shea?”
     ”No, Father.”
     ”Was it Amy Thomas?”
     ”No, Father.”
     ”Was it little Cathy Morgan?”
     ”NO, Father!  I cannot tell you.”
     The priest finally says, “Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be four ‘Our Fathers’ and five ’Hail Mary’s’.  Now go back to your seat.”
     Tommy walks back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and whispers,  ”What happened?!”
     ”Well, I got four Our Fathers, five Hail Mary’s, and six good leads.”


THE COWBOY AND THE PREACHER

     One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.  The cowboy said, “I’m not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I’d feed him.”
     So the minister began his sermon. One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours.  The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.
     The cowboy answered slowly, “Well, I’m not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn’t feed him all the hay...”


RIOTOUS LIVING

     A man who reeked of alcohol flopped on a subway seat next to a  priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of rum was sticking out of his ripped jacket pocket.
     He opened his newspaper and started reading.  After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked  "Say, Father, do you know what causes arthritis?"
     The priest, disgusted by the man's appearance and behavior, snapped, "It's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man!"
     "Well, I'll be," the man muttered and returned to his newspaper.
     The priest, thinking for a moment about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.  "I'm sorry to have come on so strong," said the priest. "I didn't mean it. How long have you been suffering from arthritis?"
     "Oh, I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."


WHO WAS JESUS?

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN
  His first name was Jesus
  He was bilingual
  He was always being harassed by the authorities

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK
  He called everybody "brother"
  He liked Gospel
  He couldn't get a fair trial

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH
  He went into his father's business
  He lived at home until he was 33
  He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN
  He talked with his hands
  He had wine with every meal
  He worked in the building trades

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN
  He never cut his hair
  He walked around barefoot
  He started a new religion

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH
  He never got married
  He was always telling stories
  He loved green pastures

(and now the MOST Compelling but absolutely weird EVIDENCE:)

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN
  He had to feed a crowd, at a moment's notice, when there was no food.
  He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
  Even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work for him to do.