CHILI CON CARNE FOR THE GUY'S SOUL

(It's a Guy Thing.  Women may or may not “get it.”)

G.I. INSURANCE

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’s sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: “If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.  If you don’t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.”
“Now,” he concluded, “which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?”


REAL FOOTBALL FAN

     A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company.  Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium- he’s closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field.
     About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line.  He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.  As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, ”Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?”
     The man says no.
     Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man  next to him, “This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?”  The man replies, “Well, actually,
The seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.  This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been at together since we got
Married in 1967.”
     “Well, that’s really sad,”says Bob. ”But still, couldn’t you find someone to take the seat?  A relative or close friend?”
     “No,” the man replies.  ”They’re all at the funeral.”


REAL TOOL DEFINITIONS

NOTE – these are oriented toward the motorcycle mechanic, but anybody who uses any of the listed tools can likely identify…

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle.  It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost exclusively for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing grease out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ½ socket you've been searching for, the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake set-up, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build up.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your tool box after determining that your battery is dead as a door nail, just as you thought.

METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads and can double as oil filter removal wrench by stabbing through stubborn oil filters.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.


WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN

- Dogs don’t cry.
- Dogs love it when your friends come over.
- Dogs don’t care if you use their shampoo.
- Dogs think you sing great.
- Dogs are excited by rough play.
- Dogs understand that farts are funny.
- Dogs love red meat.
- Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
- Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
- Dogs don’t shop.
- A dog’s parents never visit.
- Dogs don’t mind if you give their offspring away.
- A dog’s time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
- Dogs don’t expect you to call when you’re running late.
- Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
- Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
- A dog’s disposition stays the same all month long.
- Dogs love long car trips.
- Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
- When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.
- Dogs like beer.
- Dogs don’t hate their bodies.
- No dog ever bought a Kenny G, Cher, or Barbra Streisand album.
- No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
- Dogs never criticize.
- Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
- Dogs never expect gifts.
- Dogs don’t worry about germs.
- Dogs don’t want to know about every other dog you ever had.
- Dogs like to do their snooping outside, as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.
- Dogs don’t let magazine articles guide their lives.
- Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.
- You never have to wait for a dog.  They’re ready to go 24 hours a day.
- Dogs have no use for flowers, cards or jewelry.
- Dogs don’t borrow your shirts.
- Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
- Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.
- Dogs can’t talk.
- Dogs aren’t catty.
- Dogs seldom outlive you.
- Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
- Dogs never need to “examine the relationship.”
- The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.


YOGI BERRA QUOTES

"It ain't over till it's over."
"This is like deja vu all over again."
Phil Rizzuto - "Hey Yogi, I think we're lost." - Yogi Berra - "Ya, but we're making great time!"
"You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six."
" I couldn't tell if the streaker was a man or a woman because it had a bag on it's head."
"You can observe a lot just by watching."
"How can you think and hit at the same time?"
Yogi Berra on seeing a Steve McQueen movie: - "He must have made that before he died"
"If you can't imitate him, don't copy him."
"Baseball is 90% mental, the other half is physical"
Mrs. Lindsay - "You certainly look cool." - Yogi Berra - "Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself."
Describing a popular restaurant: "Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded."
"I want to thank all those who made this night necessary."
"I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early."
Interviewer - "Why, you're a fatalist !" - Yogi Berra - "You mean I save postage stamps? Not me."
"You got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there."
"Slump? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hittin."
"It's pretty far, but it doesn't seem like it."
"It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much."


OTHER GREAT JOCK QUOTES:
 
Oiler coach Bum Phillips:  When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss goodbye."

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height," and "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."

Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football.  I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter?  He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my @#%#%@ clothes."

Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record:  "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road.  As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play." (1992)

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an Uncle or an Aunt." (1982)

Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back." (1981)

Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose.  How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?" (1966)

Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time." (1981)

Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet." (1991)

Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating." (1986)

Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker." (1991)

Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot." (1996)

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'" (1991)

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." (1991)