CHILI CON CARNE FOR THE ETHNIC/REGIONAL SOUL

IRISHMEN

     Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, “I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.
     The other guy responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!”
     The first guy says, “So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?”
     The other guy answers, “I’m from Dublin, I am.”
     The first guy responds, “Sure and begora, and so am I!  And what street did you live on in Dublin?”
     The other guy says, “A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.”
     The first guy says, ”Faith & it’s a small world, so did I!  And to what school would you have been goin’?”
     The other guy answers, “Well now, I went to St. Mary’s of course.”
     The first guy gets really excited, and says, “And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?”
     The other guy answers, “Well, now, I graduated in 1964.” The first guy exclaims, “The Good Lord must be smilin’ down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar on this very night. Can you believe it?! I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self.”
     About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.  The bartender walks over shaking his head and mutters, “It’s going to be a long night tonight - the Murphy twins are drunk again.”

     An Irishman walks into a Dublin pub, and orders three ales.
     The bartender says, “It’s none of my business, laddy, but I think you’d be enjoyin’ your ale more if you ordered ‘em one at a time.”
     The Irishman says, “I’ve got me two brothers in the far off lands, one in Australia and one in America.  We agreed that we’d drink three ales at a time, in rememberin’ each other, until we’re together again.”
     The bartender says, “Suit yourself, laddy,” and pours the three ales.
     This Irishman becomes quite the regular at the bar. And every time, without fail, he orders three ales.
     Then, one night he comes in, and orders just two. The bartender is shocked, the other patrons become hushed. The bartender pours the two ales, and as he serves them, he says, “I want to express my deepest sympathy for your loss.”
     The Irishman, with a confused expression, says, “To what loss are you referrin’?”
     The bartender says, “I feel we’ve become friends over the months. I assume it’s one of your far-away brothers you’ve lost.”
     The Irishman’s countenance clears.  “Oh, it’s nothing like that,” he says.  “Two nice young missionaries came by. I’ve embraced their religion, and I’ve given up the drinkin’.”


HIGH-RISE WORKERS

     An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, “Corned beef and cabbage!  If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I’m going to jump off this building.”
     The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, “Burritos again!  If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too.”
     The redneck opened his lunch and said, “Bologna again!  If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I’m jumping too.”
     The next day, the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death.
     The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too.
     The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also.
     At the funeral, the Irishman’s wife is weeping. She says, “If I’d known how
really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!
     The Mexican’s wife also weeps and says, “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas!  I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.”
     There is a long, uneasy silence, as funeral-goers stared at the redneck’s wife.
     “Whaddaya lookin' at me for?” she exclaimed.  “He always made his own lunch!”


DRIVER ID CHART - HOW TO TELL WHERE THEY'RE FROM BY HOW THEY DRIVE…
  
- One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago
- One hand on wheel, one finger out window:  New York
- One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
- One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator:  California.
- One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap:  Los Angeles
- Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
- Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat:  Italy
- One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game:  Seattle
- One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male
- One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road:  Texas country male
- One hand constantly refocusing the rearview mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rattail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment:  Texas female
- Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna:  West Virginia
- Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on:  Florida
- (This is my own contribution to the list) Driving on the Interstate in the passing lane, maintaining the exact same speed as the car to the right, and to the left if applicable, for mile after mile after mile, with no attempt to actually pass, and apparently with duct tape over the rearview mirror so as not to be distracted by all the cars following behind, wanting to pass:  Utah


TEMPERATURE CONVERSION GUIDE

(A Canadian friend of mine shared this fascinating bit of science with me.)

50°F (10°C)- New Yorkers turn on the heat. Canadians plant gardens.

40°F (4°C)- Californians shiver uncontrollably. Canadians sunbathe.

35°F (2°C)- Italian cars won't start. Canadians drive with the windows down.

32°F (0°C)- Distilled water freezes. Canadian water gets thicker.

20°F (-7°C)- Floridians wear coats, gloves & wool hats. Canadians throw on a t-shirt.

15°F (-9°C)- Californians begin to evacuate the state. Canadians go swimming.

0°F (-18°C)- New York landlords finally turn up the heat. Canadians have the last cookout before it gets cold.

-10°F (-23°C)- People in Miami cease to exist. Canadians lick flagpoles.

-20°F (-29°C)- Californians fly away to Mexico. Canadians throw on a lightweight jacket.

-40°F (-40°C)- Hollywood disintegrates. Canadians rent videos.

-60°F (-51°C)- Mt. St. Helen's freezes. Canadian Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.

-80°F (-62°C)- Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. Canadian Boy  Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.

-100°F (-73°C)- Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Canadians pull down their earflaps.

-173°F (-114°C)- Ethyl alcohol freezes. Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw their kegs.

-297°F (-183°C)- Microbial life survives on dairy products. Canadian cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

-460°F (-273°C)- ALL atomic motion stops. Canadians start saying "Cold 'nuff for ya?"

-500°F (-296°C)- Hell freezes over. The Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.


YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN FLORIDA DURRING THE SUMMERTIME WHEN:

The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can make sun tea instantly.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt, and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.


YOU KNOW YOU’RE TRAILER TRASH WHEN…

- The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
- You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
- You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
- You think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different night.
- Jack Daniels makes your list of “Most Admired People.”
- You think genitalia is an Italian airline.
- You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
- Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, “Hey, y’all watch this.”
- You’ve got more than one brother named ‘Darryl.’
- You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
- Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
- You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
- Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
- You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, “Gentlemen, start your engines.”
- You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
- You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
- The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
- You have to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge’.
- One of your kids was born on a pool table.
- Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
- You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos
- You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
- Ya can’t get married to yer sweetheart ‘cause there’s a law against it.
- You dated one of your parents’ current spouses in high school.
- You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
- Your school fight song is “Dueling Banjos.”
- Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.


YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK JEDI KNIGHT IF…

1. You ever heard the phrase, “May the force be with y’all.”
2. Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
3. You have ever used your Light Saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
4. At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.
5. You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
6. You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
7. The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
8. Wookies are offended by your B.O.
9. You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
10.  Your father has ever said to you, “Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it’ll be a hoot.”
11.  You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
12.  You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
13.  You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
14.  You have the doors of your X-Wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
15.  Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
16.  You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
17.  You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a redwood deck.
18.  You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
19.  If you hear ... “Luke, I am your father, and your uncle.”


MONTANA GRIZZLY BEAR NOTICE

     In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish & Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field.
     We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren’t expecting them.  We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
     It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung.  Black bear dung is smaller and contains berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper.