CHILI CON CARNE FOR THE CRIMINAL SOUL

Up Ethnic Religious Office Science Guy's Venus / Mars Young at Heart Criminal

THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER TELL A COP

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.  (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me.  Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10.  Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11.  I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around - that's how far ahead of me they are!
12. When the Officer says "Gee, Son... your eyes look red, have you been drinking?"  You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee, Officer, your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
13. No officer, I don't have any blood in my alcohol stream.


STUPID CROOK AWARDS

     A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

     A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote “this iz a stikkup.  Put all your muny in this bag.”
     While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.  After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
     Looking somewhat defeated, the man said “OK” and left.  The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of America.

     A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.  He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.
     Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
     Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture... of handcuffs.
     The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine.

Drug Possession Defendant
     Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant.
     The prosecutor said the officer didn’t need a warrant because a “bulge” in Jansen’s jacket could have been a gun.  Nonsense, said Jansen, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.

     Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court when he fired his lawyer.
     Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber.  Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, “I should have blown your (expletive) head off.”  The defendant paused, then quickly added, “if I’d been the one that was there.”
     The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year sentence.

     R.C. Gaitlan, 21 walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood.  When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two year old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.

     A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer.
     After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.  He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused, saying “Because I don’t believe you are over 21.”
     The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn’t believe him.
     At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
     The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.  They arrested the robber two hours later.

     A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.  The first one shouted, “Nobody move!”  When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

Cigars and Insurance
     A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars insured them against fire among other things.
     Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost
“in a series of small fires.”  The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued... and won. In delivering the ruling the judge agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be “unacceptable fire”, and was obligated to pay the claim.  Rather than endure a
lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in “the fires.” After the man cashed the check, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson.  With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.


LAST MEALS ON TEXAS DEATH ROW

1. Charlie Brooks: T-bone steak, french fries, ketchup, Worcestershire sauce, rolls, peach cobbler, and iced tea.
2. James Autry: Hamburger, french fries, Dr Pepper.
3. Ronald O'Brian: T-bone steak (med to well done), french fries and ketchup, whole kernel corn, sweet peas, lettuce and tomato salad with egg and french dressing, iced tea, sweetener, saltines, Boston cream pie, and rolls.
4. Thomas Barefoot: Chef soup with crackers, chili with beans, steamed rice, seasoned pinto beans, corn O'Brien, seasoned mustard greens, hot spiced beets, and iced tea.
5. Doyle Skillem: T-bone steak, baked potato, butter, sweet green peas, rolls, banana pudding, coffee.
6. Stephen Morin: Bread without yeast (unleavened).
7. Jesse De LaRosa: Spanish rice, retried beans, flour tortillas. T-bone steak, tea, chocolate cake, and jalapeno peppers.
8. Cliai-les Nliltoti: T-bone steak, french fries, tossed salad with french dressing, ketchup, hot rolls, and chocolate cake.
9. Henry Porter: Flour tortillas, T-bone steak, refried beans, tossed salad, jalapeno peppers, ice cream and chocolate cake.
10. Charles Rumbaugh: One flour tortilla and water.
11. Charles Bass: Plain cheese sandwich.
12. Jeffery Barney: Two boxes of frosted flakes and a pint of milk.
13. Jay Pinkerton: Fish sandwich, french fries, and milk.
14. Rudy Esquivel: Fried breast of chicken, corn on the cob, french fries, jalapeno pepper, and pecan pie.
15. Kenneth Brock: Large double-meat cheese burger with mustard, and Dr Pepper.
16. Randy Woolls: Cheeseburger, french fries, chocolate cake and iced tea.
17. Larry Smith: Smothered steak and gravy, french fries, lemon pie and Coke.
18. Chester Wicker: Lettuce and tomatoes.
19. Michael Evans: Declined last meal.
20. Richard Andrade: Pizza, pinto beans, Spanish rice and cake.
21. Raymond Hernandez: Beef tacos, beef enchiladas, jalapeno peppers, salad onion, hot sauce, shredded cheese and coffee.
22. Eliseo H. Moreno: Four cheese enchiladas, two fish patties, french fries, milk ketchup and lemon pie.
23. Anthony Williams: Fish, tartar sauce, french fries, ketchup, white bread and milk.
24. Elliott Johnson: Cheeseburger and french fries.
25. John Thompson: Freshly squeezed orange juice.
26. Joseph Starvaggi: Declined last meal.
27. Robert Streetman: A half dozen scrambled eggs, flour tortillas, french fries and ketchup.
28. Donald Franklin: Hamburger, french fries and ketchup.
29. Raymond Landry: Declined last meal.
30. Leon King: Declined last meal.
31. Stephen McCoy: Cheeseburger, french fries and strawberry milk shake.
32. James Paster: Declined last meal.
33. Carlos DeLuna: Declined last meal.
34. Jerome Butler: T-bone steak, four pieces of chicken (two breast and two legs), fresh corn and iced tea.
35. Johnny Anderson: Three hamburgers, french fries, chocolate ice cream with nuts and iced tea.
36. James Smith: Yogurt.
37. Mikel Derrick: Ribeye steak, tossed green salad with blue cheese dressing, baked potato with sour cream (refused last meal).
38. Lawrence Buxton: Steak (filet mignon), pineapple upside down cake, tea, punch and coffee.
39. Ignacio Cuevas: Chicken dumplings, steamed rice, black-eyed peas, sliced bread and iced tea.
40. Jerry Joe Bird: Double cheeseburger with mustard, mayonnaise, pickles, onions, tomatoes and iced tea.
41. James Russell: Apple.
42. G.W. Green: Pizza, coffee and tea.
43. Joe Cordova: Fried chicken, french fries, hot sauce, rolls, salad w/ 1,000 island dressing and ice cream.
44. Johnny Garrett: Ice cream.
45. David Clark: Told officials he wanted to fast.
46. Edward Ellis: Steak, baked potato with butter, salad, biscuits, pineapple pie and iced tea.
47. Billy White: T-bone steak, french fries and ice cream.
48. Justin May: Cheeseburger, ketchup, french fries and shake.
49. Jesus Romero Jr.: T-bone steak, baked potato, salad, vanilla shake and chocolate ice cream.
50. Robert Black Jr.: T-bone steak, baked potato, bowl of lettuce, corn, roll, chocolate milk shake and tea.
51. Curtis Johnson: Scrambled eggs, bacon, toast, jelly, butter and strawberry milk shake.
52. James Demouchette: Grilled steak, baked potato, any vegetable except squash or okra, any dessert and anything to drink except punch or milk.
53. Jeffery Griffin: T-bone steak, ketchup and iced tea.
54. Kavin Lincecum: Declined last meal.
55. Carlos Santana: "Justice, Temperance, with Mercy."
56. Ramon Montoya: Cheeseburger, french fries, ice cream and Coke.
57. Darryl Stewart: Steak, baked potato, garden salad and tea.
58. Leonel Herrera: Declined last meal.
59. John Sawyers: Cheeseburger, french fries and strawberry shake.
60. Markum Duff-Smith: Declined last meal.
61. Curtis Harris: Cheeseburger, ice cream and water.
62. Danny Harris: God's saving grace, love, truth, peace and freedom.
63. Joseph Jernigan Paul: Two cheeseburgers, french fries, tossed salad with 1,000 island dressing and iced tea (refused last meal).
64. David Holland: Cheeseburger, french fries and coffee.
65. Carl Kelly: Wild game or whatever is on the menu and cold lemonade. Served cheeseburger and french fries, declined last meal.
66. Ruben Cantu: Barbecue chicken, refried beans, brown rice, sweet tea and bubble gum (bubble gum is not permitted under TDCJ regulations).
67. Richard Wilkerson: Two double-meat cheeseburgers, french fries, and ice cream (chocolate or chocolate chip).
68. Johnny James: Double-meat cheeseburgers, double order of french fries, Dr Pepper and a pint of banana nut ice cream.
69. Antonio Bonham: Hamburgers, french fries and water.
70. Anthony Cook: Double-meat bacon cheeseburger and strawberry shake.
71. Clifford Phillips: Declined last meal.
72. Harold Barnard: Steak, french fries and wine (water was substituted).
73. Freddie Webb: Declined last meal.
74. Richard Beavers: Six pieces of french toast with syrup, jelly, butter, six barbecued spare ribs, six pieces of well burned bacon, four scrambled eggs, five well-cooked sausage patties, french fries with ketchup, three slices of cheese, two pieces of yellow cake with chocolate fudge icing, and four cartons of milk.
75. Larry Anderson: Barbecued ribs, chefs salad, baked potato, peach cobbler and tea.
76. Paul Rougeau: Declined last meal.
77. Stephen Nethery: Two cheeseburgers with lettuce, tomato and onion, french fries and milk.
78. Denton Crank: Cheeseburger (double-meat, double cheese), with lettuce, pickles, tomato, onions and mayonnaise, onion rings and two chocolate shakes.
79. Robert Drew: Steak (cooked rare), ham, two hamburgers, two pieces of fish and chocolate milk shake.
80. Jessie Guiterrez: Declined last meal.
81. George Lott: Three pieces of french toast with syrup, baked sweet potato with butter, two sausage patties, and one fried egg.
82. Walter Williams: Hamburger (double-meat, double cheese), chocolate cake, peas and corn mixed and tea.
83. Warren Bridge: Double-meat cheeseburger.
84. Herman Clark: Declined last meal.
85. Raymond Kinnamon: Fish, salad, vanilla ice cream and tea.
86. Jesse Jacobs: T-bone steak, french fries, ketchup and tea.
87. Mario Marquez: Fried chicken, baked potato, cinnamon roll.
88. Clifton Russell: No preference. Asked for whatever was on the menu (chili hotdogs, baked beans, corn and peanut butter cookies).
89. Willie Williams: Two double-meat cheeseburgers, onion rings, cheesecake and root beer.
90. Jeffery Motley: Declined last meal.
91. Billy Conn Gardner: Hamburger, french fries, tea and any dessert (no preference).
92. Samuel Hawkins: Double-meat cheeseburger, french fries and tea.
93. Noble Mays: Four to five fried eggs (sunny side up), three sausage links, three biscuits and coffee.
94. Fletcher T. Mann: Two hamburger steaks, sliced onions, four pieces of toast, french fries, mustard and ketchup, fruit cocktail and Coke.
95. Ronald K. Allridge: Declined last meal.
96. John Fearance: Double-meat cheeseburger, french fries, vanilla ice cream and milk.
97. Karl Hammond: Double-meat cheeseburger, french fries, chocolate milk and cake or pie.
98. Vernon Sattiewhite: Six scrambled eggs with cheese, seven pieces of buttered white toast, 15 pieces of bacon, three hash browns, a bowl of grits with butter, jelly and orange juice.
99. Carl Johnson: T-bone steak, green salad, baked potato, banana nut ice cream and Coke.
100. Harold Lane: Two double-meat cheeseburgers, french fries and strawberry shake.
101. Bernard E. Amos: Two turkey sandwiches.
102. Hal Hai Vuong: Steak, french fries, beans and water.
103. Esquel Banda: Declined last meal.
104. James Briddle: T-bone steak (rare), six fried eggs, hash browns, buttered toast, milk and orange juice.
105. Leo Jenkins: Two bacon cheeseburgers, french fries and Coke.
106. Kenneth Granviel: Double-meat cheeseburger, french fries, chocolate cake and punch.
107. Joe F. Gonzales: Strawberry shake and cheesecake.
108. Richard Jr. Brimage: Pepperoni pizza (medium), Dr Pepper.
109. John Kennedy Barefield: Double-meat cheeseburger, french fries.
110. David Lee Herman: Hamburger, pizza, root beer, and vanilla ice cream.
111. David Wayne Spence: Fried chicken, french fries, chocolate ice cream, Coke, tea and coffee.
112. Billy Joe Woods: Hamburger, french fries, banana pudding and coffee.
113. Kenneth Gentry: Bowl of butterbeans, mashed potatoes, onions. Tomatoes, biscuits, chocolate cake and Dr Pepper with ice.
114. Benjamin Boyle: Double-meat cheeseburger, french fries with ketchup and Coke.
115. Ernest O. Baldree: Double-meat cheeseburger, french fries, pack of cigarettes (not permitted by policy).
116. Terry Washington: Steak, mash potatoes, green beans, buttered rolls, chocolate ice cream, punch,
117. Anthony Ray Westley: Fried Chicken, french fires, bread, cigarettes (prohibited by policy).
118. Clifton Belyeu Belyeu: Cheeseburger, french fries, Coke & pack of cigarettes, (prohibited by policy).
119. Richard Drinkard: Double cheeseburger, french fries, Coke, strawberry ice cream.
120. Clarence Allen Lackey: T-bone steak, large salad, french fries, chocolate ice cream, pack of Camel cigarettes (cigarettes prohibited by policy).
121. Bruce Edwin Callins: Steak, french fries, salas, pecan pie and pack of cigarettes (cigarettes prohibited by policy).
122. Larry Wayne White: Liver & onions, cottage cheese, red tomatoes, and a single cigarette (cigarette prohibited by policy).
123. Robert Madden: Asked that final meal be provided to a homeless person.
124. Patrick Rogers: A Coke.
125. Kenneth Bernard Harris: Barbecue, french fries, ice cream, punch, cigarettes (cigarettes prohibited by policy).
126. Dorsie Johnson: Fried chicken, french fries, chocolate cake, Coke.
127. Davis Losada: Declined last meal.
128. Earl Russell Behringer: Large portion of scrambled eggs, two tablespoons of picante sauce on side, hash browns, two pieces of toast, gravy, two pieces of sausage, and grape juice.
129. David Wayne Stoker: Two double-meat cheeseburgers, french fries, ice cream and cigarettes (cigarettes prohibited by policy).
130. Eddie James Johnson: Double-meat cheeseburger, french fries, broccoli w/cheese.
131. Irineo Montoya: Fish, french fries, jalapenos, carrots and ice cream.
132. Robert West: Cheeseburger, french fries, Coke, Camel cigarettes (cigarettes prohibited by policy).
133. James Carl Lee Davis: Steak and eggs (eggs over easy), toast, punch and package of Marlboro cigarettes (cigarettes prohibited by policy).
134. Jessel Turner: None.
135. Benjamin C. Stone: Coke.
136. John William Cockrum: Cheeseburger, onion rings, banana pudding, iced tea.
137. Dwight Adanandus: Cheeseburger, french fries, iced tea.
138. Ricky Lee Green: Five scrambled eggs, four sausage patties, eight slices of toast, six slices of bacon and four pints of milk.
139. Kenneth Ray Ransom: Declined last meal.
140. Aua Lauti: Double-meat cheeseburger, french fries, soft drink.
141. Asron Lee Fuller: None.
142. Michael E. Sharp: Small pizza, dish of Italian spaghetti, marble cake, punch.
143. Charlie Livingston: Ribs smothered in onions and gravy, rice with butter, ice water and Dr Pepper.
144. Michael Lee Lockhart: Double-meat cheeseburger, french fries, Coke.
145. Karla Faye Tucker: Banana, peach and garden salad with ranch dressing.
146. Steven Renfro: Bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich (IBLT) with extra bacon, cherry pie, vanilla ice cream and two cans of Dr Pepper.
147. Jerry Lee Hogue: Old-fashioned cheeseburger, french fries w/ketchup, chocolate cake and two cans of Coke.
148. Joseph John Cannon: Fried chicken, barbecue ribs, baked potato, green salad w/Italian dressing, chocolate cake or chocolate ice cream or both, a thick chocolate shake or malt and iced tea.
149. Joseph Lee Gosch: Declined last meal.
150. Frank Basil McFarland: Heaping portion of lettuce, a sliced tomato, a sliced cucumber, four celery stalks, four sticks of American or cheddar cheese, two bananas and two cold half pints of milk. Asked that all vegetables be washed prior to serving. Also asked that the cheese sticks be "clean."
151. Robert Carter: Fried fish fillet, french fries, orange juice, German chocolate cake.
152. Pedro Cruz Muniz: Shrimp and salad. Shrimp not available. Served cheeseburger, french fries and cola.
153. Clifford Boggess: Two double-meat cheeseburgers, salad, french fries w/ salt and ketchup, chocolate fudge brownies, cherry cake, a Pepsi and iced tea.
154. Johnny Pyles: Chicken fried steak w/gravy, potatoes, pineapple pie and a Coke.
155. Leopoldo Narvaiz Jr.: Refused breakfast and did not request a last meal.
156. Genaro Camacho: Steak, baked potato, salad and strawberry ice cream.
157. Delbert Teague: None. At the last minute he decided to eat a hamburger at his mother's request.
158. David Castillo: 24 soft tacos, two cheeseburgers, two whole onions, five jalapenos, six enchiladas, six tostadas, one quart of milk, a chocolate milkshake and a pack of cigarettes (cigarettes prohibited by policy).
159. Javier Cruz: A salad, venison sausage and a baked potato, Miller Lite beer and Camel cigarettes (cigarettes and beer prohibited by policy).
160. Jonathan Nobles: Eucharist - Sacrament.
161. Kenneth McDuff: Two 16-ounce, T-bone steaks, eggs, french fries, a vegetable medley, coconut pie and a Coca-Cola.
162. Daniel Lee Corwin: Steak, potatoes, peas, cake and root beer.
163. Jeff Emery: Two T-Bone steaks, french fries, salad, cake, chocolate ice cream, coffee and Coke.
164. James Ronald Meanes: Bacon cheeseburger, french fries, a strawberry milkshake and six chocolate cookies.
165. John Glenn Moody: Two T-Bone steaks, salad with French onion dressing, rolls, french fries with ketchup, five soft tacos, angel food cake, one pint white chocolate almond ice cream and six-pack of Pepsi.
166. Troy Farris: None.
167. Martin Vega: T-bone steak, shrimp and a Coke.
168. George Cordova: None.
169. Danny Lee Barber: Two steaks, baked potato, chef salad, tea and chocolate ice cream.
170. Andrew Cantu: Pork baby back ribs, hard shell tacos, corn tortillas, french fries, salad with ranch dressing, red and green chile sauce, jalapenos and tomatoes boiled with garlic and comino, root beer and chocolate ice cream.
171. Norman Evans Green: Barbeque ribs, pork chops, salad with French dressing, baked potato, texas toast and a Coke.
172. Charles Rector: Three beef enchiladas, three tacos, french fries and a strawberry milk shake.
173. Robert Excell White: Two hamburgers, a double order of french fries and onion rings.
174. Aaron C. Foust: Cheeseburger, french fries and a Coke.
175. Jose De La Cruz: None.
176. Clydell Coleman: Salmon croquettes, scrambled eggs, french fries and biscuits.
177. William Hamilton Little: Fifteen slices of cheese, three fried eggs, three buttered toasts, two hamburger patties with cheese, 1/2 tomato sliced, one sliced onion, french fries with salad dressing, 1/2 lb. of crispy fried bacon, one quart chocolate milk and one pint of fresh strawberries.
178. Joseph Stanley Faulder: None.
Source: Texas Department of Criminal Justice, Institutional Division